Looking for my love.....

You know I have always been looking for my love. Those sexy curves..... voluptuous body....




Man if I can get my hands on those..... the euphoria.

I have been dreaming all my life.... to be able to get what I really wanted......

Ermmm it will only be a dream.....

All that I ever afford was a Vulcan.... and a 500 Vulcan!!! I cant even afford an 800 Vulcan!!!!

Yeah I was talking about the bike!!! What were you thinking I was talking about???

Note: Thanks to Viviana Gallo for using her picture. P/S: I hope u dont mind.

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Went back from my last meeting (and unofficial interview, I am looking for a job) at about 4 30 am. Cooked some oat meals for my "sahur". Managed to sleep for nearly an hour..... then fell asleep in the toilet for a few more minutes....

I guess that is why I am kind of sad this morning due to lack of sleep? I am a man, that I know (Yeah confirm, after actually looking down there!). But how come I do feel hurt at times? Men are supposedly to be bad... mean ...

Men, we bring miseries to women. We make life hell for women. Ask any women, I am sure most of them have met an MCP at one time or another. Well (looking down there again, this time groping it...) confirmed I am a man.

Sorry if my post today is incoherent and pretentious... it is meant to be that way, to confuse and frustrate all the women in the world.

But I am still a man. And this one special lady, how can she hurts me?? With all the qualities of men in me, how did she manage to hurt me..... at this time and moment of my weakness? When so many times I informed her of my fragile situation....

Years of happiness, castles built in the air, yet she does hurt me. And she dont have to say a word to run havocs in my heart and mind. Do I have a mind today. Nah! Just my rambling due to lack of sleep. Let me sleep over it.....

Hey! I am a man!!! Or I am a male..? So what, after all we are only human.... we do have feelings and thoughts.

In The Eyes Of Dade Ghost Only.

The above picture does not depict "my type". However, it is a subject to drool over!

My Type Of Woman (Answering Dame Rosse's question).

1) Intelligent.
2) Has her own mind.
3) Independent.
4) Naturally sexy.
5) Knows what she wants and gets it.
6) Understands me.
7) Love life.
8) Willing to share her life with me.
9) Socially acceptable.
10) Enjoys sex.

There it is. Maybe next time I can elaborate on each point. See if I have the time.

Note: I am not looking. I already found that lady. Wish me luck.

Sacred Love

I thought I fell in love when I was 7 years old. There was this cute girl in my class, and she was so nice to me. No one was ever nice to me then. Later, I learned that that was not love. It was caring from another human to another human.....

So much later I learned that love is sacred...... Love is great.... Love is not for one that freely gives it away .... Once love is given, it is there forever, never to be taken back....

Well, it seems that my view is wrong.

Even after the sacred vows of marriage, love can be broken.... it seems.

But until today, I still believe that once I said those magical words "I love you", it is meant to be with the owner till forever.....

So to those that has never and will never understand me, I dont take back my love. Nor do my love died along the way. Once I love someone, I will love them forever....... But my love, is only for the chosen few. And if someone expect me to stop loving these people, I CANNOT LIE, but to TELL THE TRUTH..... I will always love them.

How can love be wrong?

Being in love is definitely one magical moment. But how long does that moment last? Or will it last?

I am at lost here. I have always belief in real love. I have always belief that love can never be wrong.

I guess love is not wrong. It is human that interacts with love that tarnished it or even tainted it. So when I love a person, I will never stop loving that person.

It is sad, when one is dump by someone that they love......

I can never stop loving a person, that is why I cannot understand when someone says, they stopped loving me!

Finally its Friday!

I wonder if the heart or is it the brain is stronger?

My heart have been in turmoil lately.... I tried to numb my feeling, so that I can concentrate in my work. It does not work 100%. Managed to do some sort of work, but I was not happy with the results. I could have done better.

The brain knows what action need to be taken, but the heart, it longs for that feeling, that special feelings. The longing to be touch and caress.... to be love. Enough! It has to stop somewhere.....

I need both of them to work together, not against each other ..... and yet it is difficult. Looks like I got to lock the heart in a deep dungeon somewhere. It is getting to be so disobedient. Bye bye heart, I see you again, when you have come to your senses .......

Why you slay this heart once again?

Lady!

In a nut shell, I noticed that you have this capability:

1) When I am wounded, you would deepen the wound and slowly pour salt water into it.

2) When I am mortally wounded, you would take your sweet time to slit my throat, watching my blood slowly trickling with the ebb of my life.

3) When I am dead, you would mourn me. Resurrect me into a zombie.....

It is a vicious cycle. One that must end.... or is there such ending?

Days of the Dragon.

Not a good way to start the year. Not a good day to start the week. Everytime I am feeling low, I will imagine the dragons. To pick myself up again, I will imagine slaying the dragons. So far, I have slayed too many dragons.... maybe its time to choose a different path?

A fool I have been. Falling in love without conditions. Believing that love can be so pure. Love in its unique beauty and splendor engulfing me.... only to despair within the unknown .....

Dragon oh dragon
Why do thee I slay?
Out of ignorance
Deep in my arrogance

Am I in a fairy tale?
In a dream so frail
Chaos sunders of nightmare
In realms of turbulance fray

Nay the rumour mongers
Shall I pray for harbinger?
Or die
In a spasm of love?

In a rambling mode. Weary and tired. I better sign off ......I

Issues of my heart.

Other than that I am a high risk person for a heart attack or stroke, my heart is in good condition. Well ... maybe relatively good condition.

I have difficulty in my love life. Hehehehe..... not what you are thinking. Afterall, what are you thinking? Gee... I dont really know.

Have any of you been in a situation like for instance, you are in love? The other person loves you too. The chemistry is there. From the moments our lips touches for the first time, instantly we knew we were meant for each other.

From that day onwards, every moment in our life is so... so great... so beautiful ... so meaningful .... and so complete. A couple so deeply in love. Everything was just right......

But....

Yes, there is always a but!

How come we cant be leading our life together? Why? All these years.... that question hounds me. More questions remains.... when, where, how? Yet we are still in love.... so very in love....

Wishes for 2007.

Obliteration of the past.

The Forced Ending.

Is this the end? An ending?

By virtue, I am only a human being. I want to live another 100 years. But do I really want to?

As the natural ending is near (It is so near, that most people do not realise it) I do have my regrets. There are still so many things that I have not done. Yet I have to be contented and blessed by a "wonderful" life.

Can I finally rest in peace? Can this old wound finally heal? I dont really know. For I never had the answer and I guess I never will.

Thus I will cease as a ghost. A ghost that hounds itself all these years. I am finally becoming a dead ghost.........

Nightmare of damnation!

I have always love chocolates. Love eating them. Very nice... very fattening. Especially those with nuts ......

So how can something I love be my nightmare? I guess not......

And yet, it was something that I love so dearly that turns my life into a nightmare. Innocent as it started. The pure physical attraction to her beauty. Yes she was different. Different from the rest of the breed. You remember, when we were young, we try hard not to be attracted to the opposite gender.

Yet she was different. It was easy to be attracted to her. At least for me. Not before long, we were an item. (I make it sounds easy, well that should be another story). Lets just say that we got the chemistry, from the day our lips met. It was one hell of a wonderful moments. Moments that only one in love can understood.

Well it took only a moment to change all that. (Again, I leave it to another day to tell the grim story). And suddenly, the world just changes. Nothing seems to be right anymore. I begin to loose all that I love. One by one gone... or I felt it that way. I really dont know what was happening at that time. All was just one huge nightmare.... over and over again. It never ends.

I was at a crossroad. Right smack in one crazy hell of a nightmare! I walked the journey of damnation alone. Nothing to be proud of, cause in a way, I am still in that journey. Even though it is nearly thirty years, the wound has not heal. The pain still sinks deep in my heart.

Am I finally approaching the end of my journey, journey fulls of nightmares and damnation? Or is it just the beginning? I really don't know ...... By now, I realise, I am not only a fool, but a blind fool! ..........

Dreams

Dreams are all I have at times. Dreams that turns into a nightmare. Yet I cannot despair. For in my journey, I must hold onto my dreams. No matter where it leads me. Now that I am near, very near to the end of my journey, will my dream comes true? I pray so and I hope so.

The years that went by. Those rocky years. The hell that We went thru. Those heart wrenching moments. From seconds it last to minutes, then hours .... it just drag on to days, weeks and then months...... and it torment Us till years later. The anguish that was prolonged. How it hurts u n me babe.....

Those feverish nights. I was lost. We were lost. The dreams of white castle was destroyed. In just a moment, a friction of less than a second, all was gone. The empire of our dreams, run chaos turns to rubbles ....

No matter how I tried, all was just a waste. Remember in that drizzling morning as I called your name? I told you never to forget me..... all was in vain. The hope. The despair.

And the nightmare begins........

Silent Night.

Have I ever wonder that I will be this way? Expect the least expected. Expect none in return. When there is nothing to return to. Hatred consume and engulf me in my wake or sleep. Vengence seems to be a child play thing.

Lets assume all this is nothing but a nightmare. Lets assume my life is just a mere dream. Then wake me up! If I am drunk, sober me. If I am a fool, maybe ... just maybe ... let me be.

Forever, seems the status of my being today. An everlasting roller coaster ride. Heck who is on control? I dunno n guess I never will? Yet... yes I know. I have argued and even go against you so many times God. Forgive me as I am only a humble object.... your object. My feeble excuse to all the filthy things I have done......

My confession? Nah.......

I pray for Your guidance. For I am lost..... I am in my journey to find myself. Your humble object shall ride the monstrous wave of eternity .. in the hope .... to find himself. Do not let me go from your embrace my God......